I'm sitting here, a little over a month away from my baby's first birthday, and wondering where the time has gone and how one little person could change my life so much. She's walking, talking, expressing her emotions, likes/dislikes, and loves giving kisses. She's not a teeny tiny newborn anymore and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I've never felt so vulnerable in my entire life as I do now being a mom. Everyday I have to see my heart, living outside of my body in the form of my little girl, and let me tell you... It is not easy! I remember being pregnant and counting down the seconds til we could meet her and sometimes I wish she could have stayed inside. She was safe, warm, and protected from the world and I don't know if I can do as good of a job keeping her protected now as I did then. But she's here and I have no choice but to muddle my way through and hope she turns out okay ;)
When Colt and I were engaged and talked about having a family someday we decided that if at all possible I would stay home with our kids. We felt that we should be the ones raising our children and shaping them into children of God. Little did we know that God's plan included a little baby girl, a lot sooner than our 5 year plan allowed for. I had just graduated and was looking forward to being a teacher and there was no way I was giving that up. Then I saw my Cwynie for the first time and she had my heart. I couldn't imagine giving anyone my baby to love, comfort, and care for everyday. That's not to say that the decision was easy by any means. I battled with myself, my husband and God often, and if I'm honest, I still do. There's nothing like being a mom and I know it's a worthy and admirable calling but it's one I feel so unqualified for. Cwyn has never had any major illnesses, bruises, bumps or incidents but I can't help but feel like I've left a mark on her in many ways. I oftentimes find myself snapping at her and her "sassiness" when she refuses to nap in her bed and will only sleep if I hold her. I wish I could just sit and appreciate these moments she gives me but sometimes I can't. I struggle with feelings of guilt and frustration. Guilt over leaving her with someone else and missing the best moments of her life, guilt for not providing financially for my family, frustration for spending so much time and money to get a degree that I'm not using. And then there's the feeling of inadequacy that is fueled by others. It's hard enough being a mom, but it's even harder when someone thinks they'd do better than you. "Yes I know she's not wearing socks. If you have the energy to fight her ALL.DAY.LONG to keep them on, feel free. Yes she's sitting in her Bumbo on the counter. I'm right here. Yes she's wearing a jacket in her car seat. It's cold. Yes I know she's sleeping on her stomach and with a blanket. If you want to stay up with her all night because she can't sleep how she's most comfortable, go for it." And on and on. I totally understand that the hearts of these people are in the right place and they have no malicious intent, however, that doesn't make it hurt any less. It's like their saying, "Hey, you're not doing a very good job. Let me help." But this is what I know. Cwyn was formed inside of me by God and He knew what kind of mom I'd be and what kind of child she would be. And let me tell you, He knows that this daughter of mine needs someone more stubborn than she is. That's where I come in. I'm her mom and only I can be what she needs. Having said that, being a stay at home mom makes you even more aware of your flaws and your successes. I'm still caught off guard sometimes when I can recognize what she wants/needs before anyone else can and I'm even more amazed when whatever I do actually works. Those are the moments I feel like I'm nailing this mom thing. I love Cwyn and her little personality. I look at her and see the best qualities, ones that I hope she keeps, and I see some negative ones that I hope I can lovingly correct. Her sassiness will come in handy at times but I hope I can teach her that she doesn't need to use it. Her stubbornness will get her far but again, I hope I can show her the right way to use that strength so it isn't a weakness. She's a happy, easy going baby who is SO smart and I hope I can continue to encourage those traits in her.
God has given me a new dream for my life and an entirely new purpose. I want to raise Cwyn, and our future children, to love and serve the Lord. I'm not sure right now how that will look. I don't know if I'll return to work or if I'll always be home for our kids but I do know that most of the well laid plans Colt and I had when we first got married have been changed, and in almost every way it's been better. We never thought we'd have our daughter right now but we can't imagine life without her. The Lord has blessed us with a new house, new jobs, roles, and purposes, a new church and church family, and a new plan. We aren't sure where it'll take us or what we will be doing 5 years from now but we do know that we're content to let the Lord lead us! We've talked so much lately about what's important in life and it's not success as defined by the world. Cwyn has given us, among many other things, a greater understanding and faith in the Lord. I hope and pray that no matter what kind of mom I am that God fills in and lives in the heart of my baby. I pray she grows up to be a God fearing woman who loves her husband and children and fulfills whatever purpose God has for her. She's a blessing that I never knew I wanted or needed but the Lord knew. I know He's got big plans for her and I hope I contribute to His plan!
Thanks for reading my ramblings and being a part of our lives. We appreciate the love and support from all of you! And to make your time reading this worth it.. Here's a photo dump of our little (and our new puppy!!!!)
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